Often times I find myself wondering how it can be that I possess such a high threshold for physical pain, and such a low threshold for every other type…especially emotional. I can pound my thumb with a hammer and not make a sound, slam my shin against the corner of a table….nothing, but let me read a story about some kid that’s been abused, and the tears begin to pour from me as if they will never stop.
Each and every time this happens, I find myself questioning how this happens. Why is it that I have so much control over how I deal with physical pain, but seemingly have no control when it comes to emotional pain? As a male, I have always been conditioned to “never let them see me sweat”, to keep my feelings suppressed, to remember; “big boys don’t cry”. The ability to suppress my feelings has admittedly become easier as I have grown older, yet even more difficult at the same time…if that makes any sense.
Just this morning I was reading an article regarding an 11 year old girl who was tragically murdered at the hands of her adoptive parents, I had barely begun the article when my eyes began to betray me with the spilling of crocodile tears. I immediately attempted to hold back the betrayal, but as usual…my self control was the slave and my pain took over as task master. Having been conditioned that this is NOT how true men respond to hurt, to pain…I instantly felt the associated shame, instantly reached within my spirit to don my scarlet letter of non-masculinity.
Only hours after the incident, was I able to begin healing myself, only hours later was I able to ask myself the hard question of WHY? I have begun to understand that my pain in certain areas will never fully abate, it will always be there as a reminder of sorts of all that I have endured, overcome, and achieved…in spite of. I understand that the pain will never be completely gone, nor should it be…, it will always be allowed to lurk beneath the surface, safeguarding that thing that replenishes my need to matter in this world on a daily basis.
I understand moment by moment, that pain is merely a way, a path, a road….which has the ability to not only heal myself, but others as well. We can all tolerate pains, embrace pains, even in some cases, forget pains…but it is only when we truly begin to “understand” our pain, that we can fully realize its’ ability to accomplish miraculous feats of healing. Be well, be happy, be healed!